I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
