Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
