Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
