Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
