The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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