sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
