New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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