saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
