Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
