Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
