At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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