i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
