I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
