Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
