Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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