I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
