My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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