Already got asked if we're dating
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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