o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
