ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
