So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
did i walk over a car last night?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
