it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
