he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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