Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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