Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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