My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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