Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
