Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
