our cab driver is having phone sex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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