based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
