then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
