Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
