Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
