Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
