One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
