I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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