now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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