You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
