apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
