I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I looked at my own cervix.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
