Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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