Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
