We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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