The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
