I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
