we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
