so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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