Just mADE A PArabola og urine
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
