There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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