I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
