i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
