I'm so fucking centered right now
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This is my gift to your gina
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
