captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
