You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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