I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need to wash the frat house off of me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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