Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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