I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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