It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
